Laki - lakiku berwajah sugul dan riaknya tertera pada parut di lengan kiriku

Aku sering menginginkan namamu. Menyerumu dengan rasa paling agung. Melihat kau berjalan dengan penuh rumit. Memegang bayang tubuhmu dengan teruja. 

Kadang - kala, aku melalui tempat beradumu. Mengintai - intai di balik rona warna ungu bangunan. Mengira - ngira detik kau akan menjengahkan kepala melihat ke luar. Tempat kau bergelak ketawa, sengaja aku lewati. Tapi aku cukup segan. Mana tahu, waktu itu kau sedang enak menikmati makanan bersama gadismu. Aku tidak ingin tahu namun sering perasaan pedih itu muncul.

Ada sesetengah masa, aku berhenti mengambil peduli. Aku meyakinkan diriku ini bukan selama - lamanya cinta. Ini hanya lintasan perasaan yang terkilan di bawah rombakan angin kumulonimbus. Ada juga detik aku sedang berjogging, lirikan matamu berdesup melintas. Meronta - ronta ingin menyakitiku. Sayang, aku lelah.

Kataku pada jantung berdegup dan hati yang sedang sibuk bekerja dalam tubuhku, pertahankanlah dirimu. Aku kadang tidak langsung mampu menduga kebahagiaan organku. Apakah pada saat aku terlupa akanmu, atau saat kau bisa membalas pesanan ringkas?. Atau sebenarnya, aku ditipu oleh cecair di dalam otakku. 

Laki - lakiku yang kini telah menjadi miliknya, kau sebenarnya sedang merasakan apa? Kau bahagia dengan gadis jinjangmu?. pastinya ya bukan. Duhai laki - lakiku beraut wajah panjang dan bermata kecil, aku tidak bahagia melihat kau bahagia. Malah aku berduka seduka dukanya. Aku kadangkala berdoa yang bukan - bukan. Kemudian, aku tersedar. Kesakitanku hanya kecil dibandingkan dirimu. Dan aku, tidak selayaknya menghentikan senyuman penuh ghairahmu. 

Sebesar daun markisar yang singgah di telapakku, sehangat mana aku menginginkan namamu, sejauh itu juga kau tidak mampu kembali.

Gadismu Rona Jingga

Mungkin

Mungkin gadismu

sehelai daun maple

Rona mata mencengkam jiwamu

berdenyut

jiwa luruh

mungkin

gadismu

seulas bawang merah

manja nan pedih

melingkar

di seluruh urat darahmu

mungkin sayang

gadismu

sebetulnya bukan aku.

A part when I am stronger than I've been before - 2014

Assalamualaikum. Sudah menginjak hampir hari ketiga 2015 dan masih terkedek - kedek tulis post pasal 2014. I ended my 2014 with a very sad event. My great - grandmother past away on 30 December. May Allah bless you grandma. 

Tahun ini tahun akhir di Universiti Malaya. How time flies. Rasa sekejap sangat dari zaman baru lepas poli, zaman bahagia bercinta, depression lepas break up, musim bangkit balik, final year project, zaman transform jadi gemuk. Too many things and too little time. 

Tahun ini juga Alhamdulillah tercapai hasrat untuk jadi penulis dalam buku yang dipublish dan dijual di kedai. Terima kasih untuk Buku Hitam Press yang beri peluang dan walaupun selalu langgar deadline tapi bos selalu sabar( dalam marah dan bengang). Terima kasih bos. But Tanpa Nama tak pernah dilupakan sebab kolektif ni la yang banyak bagi semangat dan panduan untuk menulis. Gilakata, geng baru yang tak pernah sunyi dalam group, after all, we are family. 

Kalau terjumpa kat MPH, jangan lupa beli Berat Sebelah Kiri dan Tanah Tumpah Darah. Thanks.

Tahun ni, struggle untuk Final Year Project a.k.a. FYP. Terima kasih untuk semua responden dan kawan - kawan yang tolong dan Dr Fauziah, jasamu dikenang.

Hari Pembentangan Poster FYP

This year highlighted the transformation of my 2 bestfriends from 'Cik' to 'Puan'. Alysa, kawan yang masa form 1 sampai form 3 pergi sekolah sama - sama, dah nikah pertengahan tahun. Tak pasal-pasal jadi bridesmaid. Eceh. Support la kawan, nak kasi warna - warni sikit wedding. Lepas tu, Eton (Zatul) my teman gaduh, teman luah perasaan, teman gi dating dari bf zaman sekolah sampai bf zaman poli. Yang dia ni tiba - tiba je kata nak kahwin. Tanjat mak dengar. Apepun, majlis dia yang tak disangka ni berjalan lancar walaupun banyak sangat benda kena settle. Ye la, kahwin tak rancang sangat. Tiba - tiba je Boya (laki dia sekarang) ajak kahwin. 

Hari wedding Lysa. Nampak tak cute kan kitorang. haha.

Eton's wedding. Masa nikah kitorang dah jadi bridesmaid.

Actually, ramai je lagi kawan yang dah kahwin tahun ni. Tak terkira jemputan. Kawan Teknik yang tidur sebelah dalam dorm selama 2 tahun pun dah selamat bernikah awal disember. Termasuk Leyka lagi. I try datang semua semua wedding korang sebenarnya tapi kalau ada yang I tak ada tu maksudnya tak sempat la tu ye. Semoga Allah merahmati perkahwinan u'all and harap Allah dapat bagi jodoh yang terbaik untuk I and teman - teman yang masih single atau single but not available. 

Forgot to tell, tahun ni pun kena pergi Li. Cerita Li pun boleh buat nangis jugak sebab penat sangat cari company. Alhamdulillah, JPSPN (Jabatan Pengurusan Sisa Pepejal Negara) terima I and Azrul (thanks to Azrul, dia yang suggest tempat LI yang dia dapat so berdua la kitorang together kat Putrajaya sampai hari - hari kena gosip). Terjumpa lah dua tiga orang gila nama Atul, Amirah, Yus, Suha and Qayi(aku tak tahu eja nama dia). Budak - budak praktikal ni la menggembirakan hati dekat tempat intern. Temaasuk la bos, Encik Nasir yang banyak tolong. 

Hari terakhir intern. How I miss you all. Azrul tak la sebab hari - hari jumpa kat kelas. Bosan haha.

Budak - budak gila suka makan setiap kali ada open office (time tu kan raya)

As for my study, tahun ni banyak gila menjelajah Malaysia. Dari tempat yang ramai orang sampai la yang paling sunyi jin pun taknak datang. Melaka, Ledang, Bukit Fraser, hutan mana - mana entah, pulau yang orang gerun nak datang, almost semua kitoang pergi. Lynas la paling epik sekali. Ye la, semua orang taknak pergi, kitorang excited tak takut kena radiation ke apa. 

SPAS Club juga bergerak aktif bawah pimpinan She Mei. She's a real leader. Sampai event kami dapat masuk Harian Metro and NST sebab promotion. Unexpected but feel so wow. 

Tahun ni tahun akhir masuk Feseni. Acara wajib : Boria. Tahun ketiga ni jugak aunty datang with her husband, Natrah pun ada dengan Zaid and Nadzmi. Feeling blessed sebab tak sangka diorang nak jugak tengok event i yang tak seberapa tu. Hikhik. Thanks. 

 (takde gambar pasal laptop rosak, ni pun amik mana yang ada je).

Starting this year, me and my aunty getting serious in our business. Shawl, dress, you name it, we will try provided for you. ceh. Boleh la terjah instagram @needlecoutureyuntouch kalau nak tengok produk/servis kami. 

Tahun 2014 adalah tahun tragedi untuk Malaysia dengan kapal terbang hilang, banjir besar, kapal terbang kena tembak dan banyak lagi tragedi. Memang sedih but life must go on. We cannot promise anything in 2015 but we are gonna strive for the best. 

For those that I hurt, please forgive me as I'm not perfect. For those that hurt me, no heart feeling. Because I know kadang - kala kita tak sengaja. Please move on and have a good life. 

Thank you. 

There's nothing here to wave and to say goodbye

Kita tidak berjalan 
semata - mata memerhatikan kau
Nil tidak akan mampu tiba
tanpa aku di sisinya

kau tidak melambai gembira
kau tidak berteriak riang
kau malah duduk diam di hadapan
mengelap bibirmu yang kotor
dengan tisu putih

aku dengar
aku tahu pasti
kau tidak menggilapnya untukku
kau menyimpannnya
untuk di seberang sana

That's how you told me about her. 

I'm not all about that bass like seriously

As this time, I really need to share this in my wrecking blog. From Thought Catalog.

10 Ways To Survive A Breakup Without Committing Social Suicide

1. Stop posting updates about your feelings on Facebook/Twitter/IG.

Everyone saw your relationship status change. But they didn’t know how bad it was until you started over-sharing. Can’t get out of bed in the morning? Eating your feelings from an industrial-sized Nutella? Fine, just don’t announce it on social media. All of your 700 friends do not need to witness what your rock bottom looks like.

2. Tell yourself that it’s probably for the better.

Even if you got blind-sided. Even if you’re packing up your apartment and tearing apart the life that you once had together. You are no longer dating your ex because that person is not the right one for you. Luckily, there are billions of fish in the sea. Breathe in, breathe out, grow strong.

3. Get on a dating app. Immediately.

You don’t even have to talk to anyone on there. Just make a profile and browse through the thousands of other people in your area looking for someone just like you. You are not alone. You are very far from alone. And there is always someone worse off than you in this dating ocean.

4. Stop taking your best friend for granted.

Yes, your best friend is your rock and truest companion. But they have their own life and problems, too. If every time that you text, call, or come in contact with your best friend is a self-wallowing session about your feelings, it’s time to stop. Your negativity is bringing your best friend down.

5. Get a journal or make a “feelings” folder on your desktop.

Then put all of your deepest, saddest, loneliest feelings in there. In these desperate times, there are things that you might think about yourself that even your best friend shouldn’t hear. And in the future, when you get your self-confidence back, you’ll be happy that you didn’t say these things out loud to anyone

6. Stop talking about your ex to your half-friends.

Everyone in your social circle politely listened and offered advice when your break up was fresh. And then they moved on with their lives. If you’re still asking them to listen to you mourn your relationship weeks or months later, your half-friends will stop inviting you places. No one wants to spend a Friday night getting rained on by the giant storm cloud that’s picked up residence over your head

7. Do not share intimate details about your break up with your co-workers.

Do not have a break down in front of your co-workers. Do not come into work looking like a hot mess. If you must cry, go to the Starbucks bathroom down the block. Your co-worker listening to you disintegrate today might be your manager next year or the person who reports to you on a new project five months from now. Don’t let your breakup destroy your employee file, and don’t make it awkward for your future work self.

8. Write out a pocket-sized list of your best qualities or keep one on your phone.

Put at least 10 things on it. Take it out every time you feel down or bad about yourself. Read the list. Put it away. Breathe in again, breathe out. Feel yourself growing stronger. If you have a hard time thinking of 10 things, ask your best friend.

9. Make an action plan.

You’ve been grieving for days or weeks. Now it’s time for an action plan because your life needs to move forward. What to do? Where to start? Well, you’re single so the world is your oyster. Make a list of the things that’ll push your life in a positive direction. Clean out your closet? Rotate the furniture in your apartment? Sign up for kickboxing? Whatever rocks your boat. Now is the time to start doing that thing you always wanted to do.

10. Realize your inner cool.

Everyone has it. There’s probably someone stalking your profile right now wishing they could muster up the courage to ask you out. You’re cool. You’re alive and fun. You just dodged the bullet. Put on that favorite pair of shoes or thing you like most in the world and saunter down the street. Feel the sun on your face. Smile.

Maybe after all the love and joy, we gonna disappear

Ku rahsiakan segala asalkan kau bahagia sebenarnya.

                                                                                   - Siapa Diriku, Amylea feat Nadia Aqilah-

All I ever asked during our lullaby night

He got me all bruised
All over my body
ache and exhausted

I asked him to do that
during pleasure and skinny heart
he was too fragile
he gave me everything

I intended him to hurt me
i did
i took the risk
he was reluctant
but he obeyed 

all i ever wanted
were rough and thick
and as a gentleman
you gave me every single desire

That Arctic Monkey song
replayed
and you were
all I ever loved with all my lung. 

A path to be less virgin

Malam yang seriau manja. Aku gigih menuju ke kondominium tempatnya beradu. Angin memukul aku hingga kedinginan. Aku tidak betah duduk berdiam diri. Perutku menjadi memulas dan tekakku loya.

Aku lihat dia jalan berlenggang. Punggungnya memanggil - manggil aku. Bukan tujuan sebenar merenung punggungnya, cuma sekadar hiburan. Aku yakin aku sudah bersedia. Aku keluar dari kereta. Berlari menujunya. Dia pantas menoleh kebelakang dengan riak wajah kaget. Lekas - lekas aku menangkap tubuhnya dan menarik tangannya. Dia jadi bingung. Dia cuba menahan namun aku lekas - lekas meniup wajahnya dengan kata - kata mantera. Biar dia akur menurut. 

Dia duduk diam di sebelah aku. Matanya memandang ke luar. Dia tahu jalan ini. Aku tahu dia separa rela kerana sepanjang perjalanan tidak sekali pun dia terjerit - jerit menyuruh aku berhenti. Aku tahu dia marah. Rasa tertipu. Namun aku gembira. 

Matanya memandang aku serius. Dia tahu ini akan terjadi. Dia yakin dan dia membenarkan. Kerana hatiku dan hatinya sama - sama rindu. Kami tidak tidur langsung. Aku melihat setiap lekuk dan tanda di tubuhnya. Setiap kerutan di dahi, kulitnya yang mula kering di leher dan wajahnya yang sudah melebar. Dia mengusap bibirku dan membelai pipiku. Aku tahu kami tidak memerlukan kata - kata. 

Dia memandu keretaku keesokkannya. Satu malam di dalam bilik serba putih di daerah terpencil tidak membuat kami menyatukan apa yang perlu. Cukup sekadar mengingati memori. Aku menyalami dia dan mencium tangannya persis menyalami orang tua. Dia mengucup jemariku dan mengelus rambutku. 

"You know that we are meant to be friends. I won't ask more," dia bilang saat keluar dari perut kereta.

Aku angguk diam - diam.

Langkahnya yang lesu aku iringi dengan ketapan kuat di bawah bibir.

Malam itu, sama juga dengan malam - malam sebelumnya selepas kami berpisah. 

Step to die in humiliation but not dangerous

He died
in the middle of my existence.

And he's not begging
to live after my demolition.

Top 23 Movies

I'm trying to become normal. To post something more realistic and, well normal. Since this is my 23rd year of living in this world like 'dunia yang fana ini', I'm gonna list top 23 of everything. Not 10, 15 or 25. It's top 23. 

First is top 23 of my favourite movies or dramas . Pardon me if my list is not interesting. I'm just a pre-adult (do we have this term anyway?).

1. 3 Idiots - Admit it. We all love how Aamir Khan became very genius and generous.All is well. 

2. The Reader - Untold love story.

3. Miracle in Cell No.7 - Oh, too many tissues and tears to handle.

4. Hantu Kak Limah Balik Rumah - Don't know why. I'm not a big fan of malay comedy movie. But this one is a movie with honest comedy.

5. Mukhsin - We does not need big car or big house in order to achieve happiness. Honesty and love were the most important.

6. Perfume The Story of Murderer - This kinda creepy, isn't?

7. My Girl - What? Korean drama feeds me with their cuteness and sweet love story.

8. Gol & Gincu - Recommended for girls with broken heart. You will find courage and also yourself.

9. KAMI The Movie - Some part of their life might be related to me.

10. A Walk to Remember - Hye Landon. You can take me away.

11. Barfi - Bollywood is a must in this list. Cinta sampai mati kata kau dalam cerita ni.

12. Mann - Enjoy the innocent of Manisha Koirala without heavy makeup. All of their song are hits and evergreen.

13. Baadshah - Who did not love Shah Rukh Khan, bae?

14. Gossip Girl - I dream to marry Chuck Bass. 

15. Desperate Housewives - Conflicts grows but we grow tougher.

16. Shrek 1-4 - True love baby. True love.

17. Laskar Pelangi - Don't ever give up in knowledge. Well, the novel series much more touching. 

18. Initial D - The movie consists of chinese hero that I adore. Jay Chou, Edison, and Jordan. Oh, Jay Chou is so cool!

19. Step Up - I love to dance.

20. Fame - Same reason as above.

21. Taare Zameen Par - Another beautiful issue by Aamir Khan.

22. 1 Litre of Tears - Guys, more than 1 litre you would prepare.

23. Ada Apa Dengan Cinta - Cinta hanyalah cinta. Hidup dan mati untukmu. Mungkinkah semua tanya kau yang jawab.

This may be average, but they were all beautiful in their way. 

I thought we had everything, but seems like we lost everything

"Apa khabar disana
ku di sini baik sahaja"

Khabar aku - Kamelia Syermain

Oh my God
I lie
I drank this Wonda coffee
and it tasted like just brewed
it's the tagline anyway

And we called each other people who embrace 
but i hug you more than I should
which is I shouldn't have done it at the first place

The summer and winter
seems hate me
that they leave me alone
without any thought and feeling


And you are gone.