How Covid - 19 pandemic made me come back as Kebaya Sendat Sepatu Merah

 It's been a while.

As for me to start writing again. I've been losing myself for the past few years. I missed blogging. Showing off my thoughts to those who matter. Been depressed enough to kill myself. But thanks Corona, I found myself among this hardship.

To those who know me, I lost my job last year, Dec 2020. I've cried myself to bed, before lunch, when I woke up in the morning for 5 days. Never ever I felt unworthy and useless. What have I done so wrong to deserve this? But thanks again Corona, I found peace after all those tears. Part of me feel relieved that I won't be dealing working with toxic environment again, but still half of me wanted revenge. But ain't that happen cause I don't know how to be a bad girl. Haha. But I wished them to be punish by God.

But hey, here I am. Typing this words to all of you. Because I'm gonna make full of 2021 as a 30 years old pretty woman. And as an ARMY and STAY. 

Hi, Hyunjin

 

Hello again

2017 - When Your Heartbeat Was Fast and Cause You to Fly

2016.

I don't feel like myself during this year. In fact, I've never been myself for the past few years. There were hatred, anxious and love within the time zone. I believed 2016 sunk me into a shocking reality. The only hope that I had was dream. 

In the middle of the year, i felt empty. The one that I never had before. Like I was unable to breathe and suffocated. I used to it before but this feeling seems heavier. That's when I'm start searching for distraction. In order to get rid of my depression.

This new distraction consists of 'namja'. Would love to call them 'namja-chinggu' but it seems impossible. I always come back and forth to them. INFINITE shined me up with 'The Eye'. This love may sounds pathetic but that's the only thing to keep me alive. Thanks to them that I forgot all my sadness and teach me the other side of the world. 

My dear friends found their happiness throughout this year. While for me,I found the end of my confusion towards N. I gotta admit, that was the hardest but it felt a burden was lifted. I 'lost' two person during those time. And the atmosphere was never be the same again.

Thank you to those that cheer up my 2016 and not to forget to those who turns it upside down. 

And please, pray for me and baby Lee Ho Won aka Hoya to be together and happily ever after.

Hoya oppa, saranghae.

Basically Normal, Just A White Confession That My Ears Turns Into A Pair of Rabbit Ears.

Baby, you are secretly creeping into this hole. This is non other than having an apocalypse syndrome. I've told them sooner or later you will come. You never hit anybody. You are a good boy. Did they ask for your forgiveness? That was just rude isn't. Not having conversation with people and being alone in the darkness.

I've been wanting to tell everyone that I've change my ears. It was a complicated procedure but yes, it's worth it. Now,my rabbit ears are hiding safely under my scarf. They are extremely excited to know that you've come. Does it sounds you are valuable thing or I can say prize to us?

Black hole never have any emotion. I saw once my father pull his beloved goat out from it. See, they show insanity and perfect love to meat. Dear, I'm trapped in the big hugs and love from any directions. You lead me to an enormous love and sweet candy. Not to mention an urge to replace my ear accessories. 

Oh my baby, don't ever jump upon me or everything will be ruin.

Does February March, but April May.

I've never got a chance to prepare any farewell speech to April. Probably because April sounds fool and gloom. 

April taught me to wait. To salvage and reserve myself. In order to keep alive and to find happiness. Sometimes all you have to do is faking a happiness in order to find one.

I know I keep comparing my own life to others. To be grateful for what I have now is the main ingredients for me to feel safe. 

So, should I apologize or confess my love?

gif: tumblr

Ada Riak Luka Pada Hening Kata-Katamu

Pada malam-malam kita bersama, adakalanya aku terlihat selaut ribut di wajahmu. Betapa debu yang dibawa angin kadangkala menyaksikan perbalahan dan kesepian. 

Semua kata-katamu telah ku simpan rapi. Akan kau temui sisipannya di balik daun jambu hadapan rumah, di dalam cawan kegemaranmu ataupun di dalam kocek seluarmu. Akan jua kau temui seberkas amarah yang kadang-kala sempat ku tangkap waktu kau lagi melepaskannya.

Ketahuilah sayang, aku tidah pernah melupakan segala macam apa yang telah kau luahkan,yang kau tangiskan mahupun yang kau tawakan. Aku sentiasa sedia memaafkan dengan sebalang kaca untuk kekal menangkap kata-katamu yang hening lagi pilu.  

N

Aku sering percaya kau masih menyayangi aku seperti dulu. Dahulu yang mengajar kita erti kepedasan sambal kicap, keanehan lengkuk di badan siput dan segala kekotoran menyelubungi bangunan yang kita lalui. 

Peliknya,kita masih berhubung menyapa berita dan berterus-terang mengenai kehidupan masing-masing. Tidak rancak namun bual bicara masih kedengaran lucu. 

Hari ini,baumu hilang. Getarnya separa ada. Aku membawamu menyusur nyonya-nyonya rugged, kekasih dilamar nafsu dan alatan elektrik menari gembira dipegang orang. 

Satu yang ku terasa janggal. Kau tidak ingin menatap mataku dalam-dalam. Kau kiranya enggan. Tiga tahun mengajar engkau, laki-lakiku  berjambang kekar untuk berhenti mencintai. 

Terima kasih untuk sorotan dan lambaian di eskalator. Selamat engkau pulang dan mogalah berbahagia.  

Part 1: Allowed her to cry.

I've been told to be happy. To be the one that I used to be. A less frantic girl, full of energy and laugh her heart loud out. Let me tell you something. I will never be her again. 

Sometimes, i missed her. She was the one that you loved. And longing for. Her smile swiped away all your worries. And your ex. She was everything you ever wanted in your life. Having you was a gift that she never imagined.  

Then both of you past those insanely wonderful years. Crazy in love. Addicted to each other. Craving for the passion and lust. Things happen. You both separated. The heartache. All those tears. The missing soul. Teared you and her into pieces. 

She saw you smiling again. In love. With someone else. But still, the term 'friends' being used as an excuse for you to text her. You ruined her motivation to forget you. And you can't bear the consequences and decided to walk away. Again. 

Dear girls in her condition,

This is not the end of your world. Everyone will tell you that you have a pretty face, intelligent and even smokey-hot body that you can replace him in a blink of eyes. You know they are trying to comfort you. And sometimes, you know they are lying. 

No, I won't tell you the same. Because I know all of this won't heal her. Her depression and heartbroken will still there. She used to cry every night and woke up with a puffy eyes and tired. But as you all see, she still alive. 

Take all the time you need. No one understand you more than yourself. 

And she and me allowed you to cry on your bed until one day, the tears will be wipe away by someone who cares about you. 

Mereka yang Menari di Atas Pipiku

Suatu masa yang baharu, aku ingin pulang mendakapmu. 

Memberitahu cerita-cerita semalam kita sesungguhnya hanya dongeng.

Aku mahu berteriak bahawa aku mengasihimu.

Kehidupan maha singkat ini menuntun aku jauh.

Lari aku sendiri.

Menanyakan perihalmu di setiap bibir-bibir sunyi.

Demikian kenyataan yang kau hampar.

Tentang kelibat yang melanggar tulang-belulangku

Bila kita tidak mengingati satu sama lain

Terasingnya perilaku dan tawa yang baik-baik

Kau sering menjamah kehangatan lempeng bersalut telur

di dalam duduk dan cakap-cakap sa-orang Zafirah



mungkin di akhir masa nanti

dirimu kembali menjengah keberadaannya.

Imagine me baby

Berapa lama rasanya kita tidak bersua. Apakah kerna cita-cita atau teriakan mu yang semalam mengulang gundah?. Duh sayang, aku jadi bingung. Seantero persekitaran seakan membingit. Langit menabur sepi. Dan aku masih menanam ubi untuk mengisi kata-katamu biar lebih berisi.

Lewat beberapa minggu sebelum kedatangan Aidiladha, datukku pulang ke rahmahtullah. Aku pikir, ternyata mati kita nanti ditemani iringan kelambu air mata dan doa tidak putus-putus. Datukku, maafkan aku cucumu yang paling tidak sedar diuntung dan disayangi. Aku tidak menjagamu waktu saat-saat genting menyelubungi kita. Kita tahu kita pasti bertemu.Cuma waktunya nanti, tiada siapa tahu.

Berjuta susuk tubuh menjamahi korneaku. Kadang terdetik mahu ke situ. Kadang tiada apa mendatangi keberadaanku. Tidak apa-apa. Kenyataannya, kita sudah siap menerima kata-kata terpaling gundah.

Sebetulnya,harapan itu sudah tinggal harapan.

How we are supposed to be happy

I hugged the winter in you

It shattered away

following my guts

You will never believe

How we slayed each other

during the summertime

I want you to be happy

But my heart ache every time you smile

so tell me

How we are supposed to be happy?