Wangian Dalam Sandal

Aku Tidak Tahu

             Sejujurnya, aku tidak tahu. Kenapa kita bertemu dahulu. Sekarang, aku benar - benar tidak tahu. Kau mengutip aku kembali setelah peristiwa itu. Namun, di sebaliknya, terkeluar satu fakta yang benar - benar merenggut jiwa gadis aku. Sangat pedih. Sangat perit. Sangat duka. 


           Aku bodoh. Amat sangat. Kau membalas perbuatan aku yang hanya sedikit itu jika dibandingkan dengan balas dendam yang kau tuangkan mencurah - curah ke arah aku. bukan seorang. tapi TIGA orang kau heret ke kancah ini. Aku sangat sakit. 


          Untuk pengetahuan kau, aku tidak tahu. Apa yang patut aku buat.    

Vanessa Hudgens - Come Back To Me

Everyday I try to play another game
But my heart can't take it
I try to find another boy
But all the while I can't face it

Why do I miss you so much?
I wanna stop to turn inside
Oh baby please
Give us one more try

I see you out with all your friends
Laughing it up as you pretend
To have a good time
I know 'cause I'm living the same life

So I'm about to got to say
We can't keep living this same way
So I'll be the one
Yeah I'll say it, I'll say it, I'll say it, I'll say it again

Baby come back to me
In my heart I still believe
We were meant to be
Together so whatever it takes

Baby come back to me
I should've never set you free
Love baby
Come back

I wanna call, but then I stall
'Cause after all, I just couldn't take it
'Cause if your play was to push me away
You know that day, my heart you'd break it

I know we made a mistake
Can't you stop your foolish pride
And come back to me?
Let's try, let's try, let's try, let's try it again

Baby come back to me
In my heart I still believe
We were meant to be
Together so whatever it takes

Baby come back to me
I should've never set you free
Love baby
Come back

You know you miss your Baby V
And I can see that you think about me
So why do you act like you don't care
Like all this love between us isn't there

I know that you're upset
I know I did you wrong
I know that you want me to pay for all the pain I've caused
But in the end it all comes down to just one thing
It's you and me
So I sing

Baby come back to me
In my heart I still believe
We were meant to be
Together so whatever it takes

Baby come back to me
I should've never set you free
Love baby
Come back

Mike Posner - Please Don't Go

Please Don't Go

Just run away
From these lies
Back to yesterday
Safe tonight
I feel the sun creeping up like tik tok
I'm trying to keep you in my head but if not
We'll just keep running from tomorrow with our lips locked
Yeah you got me begging begging baby please don't go
If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here
I don't know
If you feel the way I do
If you leave I'm gonna find you
Baby please don't go go go go
Baby please don't go go go go
Baby please don't go go go go
Baby please don't
Baby please don't
Baby please don't runaway
From my bed and start another day
Stay instead
I feel the sun creeping up like tik tok
I'm trying to keep you in my head but if not
We'll just keep running from tomorrow with our lips locked
Yeah you got me begging begging baby please don't go

If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here
I don't know
If you feel the way I do
If you leave I'm gonna find you
Baby please don't go go go go
Baby please don't go go go go
Baby please don't go go go go
Baby please don't
Baby please don't
I stay running from tomorrow
I stay running from tomorrow
Well I stay running from tomorrow
Said I stay running from tomorrow
Baby please don't go (please don't go)
If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here
I don't know
If you feel the way I do
If you leave I'm gonna find you (I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gonna find you)
Baby please don't go go go go
Baby please don't go go go go (don't leave me, leave me)
Baby please don't go go go go
Baby please don't
Baby please don't
Runaway

Awak Tak Silap, Saya Yang Salah

                         Semalam Mei Ling memang bersalah. Sangat bersalah. Dia dah bertungkus lumus memohon maaf. Pelbagai ayat telah diluahkan. Telah disusun. Memujuk Ah Chai yang sangat terluka. Mei Ling memang diselubungi rasa sedih.


                        Ah Chai, dia memang sangat penyabar. Menjaga hati Mei Ling dengan penuh kasih sayang. Tidak pernah berkira dalam menaburkan cinta. Mei Ling memang jahat. kasih yang dihulurkan Ah Chai hanya dipandang enteng. Senang - senang saja dia memandang lelaki lain, senyum gatal, menggoda walau Ah Chai ada di sebelah dirinya saat itu.


                      Amarah menguasai diri. Sewenang - wenangnya Mei Ling berbuat begitu. Apa salah Ah Chai?. Dia tidak pernah cuba dengan sengaja melukakan hati Mei Ling. Serta - merta Ah Chai mengeluarkan telefon bimbit, mula menghantar pesanan ringkas kepada gadis -gadis skandal. katanya " depan mata u juga i curang sekarang!".


                    Curangnya sehingga ke tahap tersalah hantar pesanan yang patut dihantar kepada gadis lain kepada Mei Ling. Sehingga ke  hari ini, curangnya masih berleluasa. Ah Chai, dia memang layak berbuat begitu. Membalas semua perbuatan Mei Ling. Tapi, caranya itu hanya akan membuat banyak jiwa terluka lebih dalam. Seperti Li yang dulu pernah berskandal dengan Ah Chai. Li terluka kerana Ah Chai seperti mempergunakannya untuk membuat Mei LIng bersedih.


                 Malam ini, sedu sedan Mei Ling semakin lebat. Sudah habis upaya dia memujuk. Setulusnya, hanya Ah Chai yang paling dia kasihi. Paling dia dambakan dalam setiap malam. Mei Ling hanya nakal. Tidak pernah terniat pun untuk merobek hati Ah Chai begitu.


               Ah Chai dan Mei Ling. Sudah banyak perkara yang mereka lalui bersama. Terlalu banyak. Dan Mei Ling masih berdoa agar hati Ah Chai terbuka menerima kata - kata maaf yang tulus dari jiwa itu.


          

Menunggu Kopi Janda Larut dalam Teko

Mengungkap kata cinta memang indah,
tapi itu sebelum kau redah,
setelah nafsu kau puas sudah.


manisnya berjalan berpegangan tangan,
malangnya muncul pelbagai halangan,
akhirnya aku yang hidup dalam bayangan.


seringkali wajahmu ingin ku tatap,
namun perangaimu membuatku tersentap,
terjelepok aku jatuh dan meratap.


di atas katil aku berlingkar,
menenang diri selepas kita bertengkar,
tampaknya janji semua kau ingkar.

kalau Mei Ling Lesbian?

                                                             saya pilih London walau apa pn yang terjadi.


Mei Ling normal,
punya pacar bermata sepet,
tapi satu hari,
dia rasa cinta sudah terbang.

terfikir,
mama tentu tidak akan syak,
jika dia lesbian,
malah dianggap mulia,
kerna sering menghabiskan diri bersama gedik sekalian.


boleh keluar dengan gembira,
tidak perlu risau mama marah - marah,
mesti dia lega,
tiada lelaki bersama.


"mama, Mei Ling tidur rumah London[bukan nama sebenar]",
mesti mama benarkan,
ala,
kawan perempuan,
tidak apa.


padahal itu teman wanita Mei Ling,
sering berkucupan asmara,
menghabiskan masa memadu cinta.


Mei Ling nak potong rambut pendek,
nampak maskulin,
gagah,
macho,
baru sepadan jalan dengan London.


satu masa,
mama tanya,
" bila mahu kahwin, aiya, tarak ada boypren ka?"
Mei Ling terkedu,
kahwin?,


"Ma, Mei Ling lesbian. Anti lelaki. mau kahwin ngn London boleh? dia model. hot. superb.boleh la."
patut kah Mei Ling cakap begitu?,
patutkah?,
rumit.
perasaan memang rumit.


patutkah Mei Ling jadi lesbian?...

Redup Hari Berteman Angin Sepoi - Sepoi Mesra

Impian apabila Mei Ling sudah berkeluarga:

1. Mahu berkelah bersama Ah Chai dan anak - anak, Sofia dan anak lelaki [belum kenalpasti nama mahu diberi]. Memakai topi ala -ala orang ke pantai dan dress bunga - bunga. Melihat anak -anak berlari di padang dipenuhi bunga-bunga kecil sambil makan bersuapan bersama Ah Chai. Angin pula menderu tenang membawa bisikan lembut rahmat. Ah, bahagianya andai dapat bersama - sama tersenyum diulit cinta!.

2. Mahu anak - anak comel. mungkin lelaki dan perempuan. mungkin kembar lelaki. Mampukah?. Ye, Sofia, mama datang ni. Nak susu la tu nangis - nangis. Haha.

 3. Rumah dalam taman. Mei Ling seorang yang agak melankolik. Sepertinya rumah ini mampu menenangkan jiwa yang sedang kusut. [ Tapi Ah Chai mahu kondominium yang dibawahnya ada kolam renang. Senang lah nanti nak mengintai mana - mana gediks yang mahu menjual badan].

4. Masih mahu kelihatan panas dan kurus seperti Adriana Lima selepas kelahiran Sofia dan anak lelaki.

atau seperti Keira Knightley.


Ya, itu impian Mei Ling.

Hari Ini Bukan Untuk Kau Lagi

semalam Mei Ling tersedar,
sudah tiba masanya,
untuk meninggalkan semua detik - detik itu.


Mei Ling kena berusaha,
menaik tarafkan diri menjadi gadis yang bermaruah,
tidak mudah diperlonjong - lonjongkan lagi.


dia fikir jika terus menjadi pengintip,
cinta Mr If akan kembali terbang,
memberi hati yang tulus,
membentuk harapan indah.


jelas,
bukan Mei Ling yang dia harapkan lagi,
mahukan lagi,
bukan,
bukan Mei Ling.


seperti menyusun kata - kata Scrabble,
telah Mei Ling lakukan semuanya,
menggabungkan semua perkataan,
yang mampu memberi markah tertinggi,
dalam jiwa Mr If.


Cuma,
semalam hari Mei Ling,
hari Mei Ling genap menambah satu lagi angka dalam usia,
buatlah dia seperti dalam awangan,
tapi,
apa yang telah kau lakukan, Mr If,
" bateri saya lemah. nanti dah balik saya text awak"
hingga ke angka 12 memasuki 4 November,
tidak,
satu pun pesanan tidak Mei Ling terima.


mengapa tidak perjelas sahaja?,
kau tidak mahu dia menelefon,
mengapa?,
perlukah kau menabur janji,
yang kadangkala membuat jiwa insan - insan seperti Mei Ling,
bertambah duka.


itu hari dia,
berilah peluang untuk dia bergedik - gedik,
beri saja la,
hari itu saja dia boleh berbuat begitu.


tak apa la,
memang Mei Ling saja yang terhegeh - hegeh,
mengada - ngada,
jalang pun dia,
tidak mengapa,
dia jadi begitu pun,
atas dasar pernyataaan,
kau orang yang paling dia cinta, Mr If.


kenyataan:
kau berjanji seperti meludah air haram ke mukanya. Mahu tidak mahu terpaksa terima kerana ia sudah terpalit di wajah itu. Natijahnya, dia membersihkannya dengan deruan air mata yang satu hari nanti kau akan menyesal kerana mengiizinkan ia keluar hari ini.

3 November 1991 - 3 November 2010

sudah 19 tahun rupanya aku berkelana dalam dunia ini.


semakin menjangkau usia.

cuba menjadi matang.


seiring dengan masa yang semakin berlalu.


aku bukan mahukan kek mahupun hadiah.


cuma bersyukur andai dikelilingi orang - orang kesayangan.


ya,


bersyukur masih diberi peluang menyambut hari ini.


semoga semua yang didoakan menjadi kenyataan.


terima kasih.

Cinderella. hah!

You always read about it:

The plumber with twelve children

Who wins the Irish Sweepstakes.

From toilets to riches.

That story.

Or the nursemaid,

Some luscious sweet from Denmark

Who captures the oldest son’s heart.

From diapers to Dior.

That story.

Or a mikman who serves wealthy,

Eggs, cream, butter, yogurt, milk,

The white truck like an ambulance

Who goes into real estate

And makes a pile.

From homogenized to martinis at lunch.

Or the charwoman

Who is on the bus when it cracks up

And collects enough from the insurance.

From mops to Bonwit Teller.

That story.

Once

The wife of a rich man was on her deathbed

And she said to her daughter Cinderella:

Be devout. Be good. Then I will smile

Down from heaven in the seam of a cloud.

The man took another wife who had

Two daughters, pretty enough

But with hearts like blackjacks.

Cinderella was their maid.

She slept on the sooty hearth each night

And walked around looking like Al Jolson.

Her father brought presents home from town,

Jewels and gowns for the other women

But the twig of a tree for Cinderella.

She planted that twig on her mother’s grave

And it grew to a tree where a white dove sat.

Whenever she wished for anything the dove

Would drop it like an egg upon the ground.

The bird is important, my dears, so heed him.

Next came the ball, as you all know.

It was a marriage market.

The prince was looking for a wife.

All but Cinderella were preparing

And gussying up for the big event.

Cinderella begged to go too.

Her stepmother threw a dish of lentils

Into the cinders and said: Pick them

Up in an hour and you shall go.

The white dove brought all his friends;

All the warm wings of the fatherland came,

 And picked up the lentils in a jiffy.

No, Cinderella, said the stepmother,

You have no clothes and cannot dance.

That’s the way with stepmothers.

Cinderella went to the tree at the grave

And cried forth like a gospel singer:

Mama! Mama! My turtledove,

Send me to the prince’s ball!

The bird dropped down a golden dress

And delicate little gold slippers.

Rather a large package for a simple bird.

So she went. Which is no surprise.

Her stepmother and sisters didn’t

Recognize her without her cinder face

And the prince took her hand on the spot

And danced with no other the whole day.

As nightfall came she thought she’d

Better get home. The prince walked her home

And she disappeared into the pigeon house

And although the prince took an axe and broke

It open she was gone. Back to  her cinders.

These events repeated themselves for three days.
however on the third day the prince

Covered the palace steps with cobbler’s wax

And Cinderella’s gold shoe stuck upon it.

Now he would find whom the shoe fit

And find his strange dancing girl for keeps.

He went to their house and the two sisters

Were delighted because they had lovely feet.

The eldest went into a room to try the slipper on

But her big toe got in the way so she simply

Sliced it off and put on the slipper.

The prince rode away with her until the white dove

Told him to look at the blood pouring forth.

That is the way with amputations.

They don’t just heal up like a wish.

The other sister cut off her heel

But the blood told as blood will.

The prince was getting tired.

He began to feel like a shoe salesman.

But he gave it one last try.

This time Cinderella fit into the shoe

Like a love letter into its envelope.

At the wedding ceremony

The two sisters came to curry favor

And the white dove pecked their eyes out.

Two hollow spots were left

Like soup spoons.

Cinderella and the prince

Lived, they say, happily ever after,

Like two dolls in a museum case

Never bothered by diapers or dust,

Never arguing over the timing of an egg,

Never telling the same story twice,

Never getting a middle – aged spread,

Their darling smiles pasted on for eternity

Regular Bobbsey Twins.

That story.

Anne Sexton                                -1970