There's nothing here to wave and to say goodbye

Kita tidak berjalan 
semata - mata memerhatikan kau
Nil tidak akan mampu tiba
tanpa aku di sisinya

kau tidak melambai gembira
kau tidak berteriak riang
kau malah duduk diam di hadapan
mengelap bibirmu yang kotor
dengan tisu putih

aku dengar
aku tahu pasti
kau tidak menggilapnya untukku
kau menyimpannnya
untuk di seberang sana

That's how you told me about her. 

I'm not all about that bass like seriously

As this time, I really need to share this in my wrecking blog. From Thought Catalog.

10 Ways To Survive A Breakup Without Committing Social Suicide

1. Stop posting updates about your feelings on Facebook/Twitter/IG.

Everyone saw your relationship status change. But they didn’t know how bad it was until you started over-sharing. Can’t get out of bed in the morning? Eating your feelings from an industrial-sized Nutella? Fine, just don’t announce it on social media. All of your 700 friends do not need to witness what your rock bottom looks like.

2. Tell yourself that it’s probably for the better.

Even if you got blind-sided. Even if you’re packing up your apartment and tearing apart the life that you once had together. You are no longer dating your ex because that person is not the right one for you. Luckily, there are billions of fish in the sea. Breathe in, breathe out, grow strong.

3. Get on a dating app. Immediately.

You don’t even have to talk to anyone on there. Just make a profile and browse through the thousands of other people in your area looking for someone just like you. You are not alone. You are very far from alone. And there is always someone worse off than you in this dating ocean.

4. Stop taking your best friend for granted.

Yes, your best friend is your rock and truest companion. But they have their own life and problems, too. If every time that you text, call, or come in contact with your best friend is a self-wallowing session about your feelings, it’s time to stop. Your negativity is bringing your best friend down.

5. Get a journal or make a “feelings” folder on your desktop.

Then put all of your deepest, saddest, loneliest feelings in there. In these desperate times, there are things that you might think about yourself that even your best friend shouldn’t hear. And in the future, when you get your self-confidence back, you’ll be happy that you didn’t say these things out loud to anyone

6. Stop talking about your ex to your half-friends.

Everyone in your social circle politely listened and offered advice when your break up was fresh. And then they moved on with their lives. If you’re still asking them to listen to you mourn your relationship weeks or months later, your half-friends will stop inviting you places. No one wants to spend a Friday night getting rained on by the giant storm cloud that’s picked up residence over your head

7. Do not share intimate details about your break up with your co-workers.

Do not have a break down in front of your co-workers. Do not come into work looking like a hot mess. If you must cry, go to the Starbucks bathroom down the block. Your co-worker listening to you disintegrate today might be your manager next year or the person who reports to you on a new project five months from now. Don’t let your breakup destroy your employee file, and don’t make it awkward for your future work self.

8. Write out a pocket-sized list of your best qualities or keep one on your phone.

Put at least 10 things on it. Take it out every time you feel down or bad about yourself. Read the list. Put it away. Breathe in again, breathe out. Feel yourself growing stronger. If you have a hard time thinking of 10 things, ask your best friend.

9. Make an action plan.

You’ve been grieving for days or weeks. Now it’s time for an action plan because your life needs to move forward. What to do? Where to start? Well, you’re single so the world is your oyster. Make a list of the things that’ll push your life in a positive direction. Clean out your closet? Rotate the furniture in your apartment? Sign up for kickboxing? Whatever rocks your boat. Now is the time to start doing that thing you always wanted to do.

10. Realize your inner cool.

Everyone has it. There’s probably someone stalking your profile right now wishing they could muster up the courage to ask you out. You’re cool. You’re alive and fun. You just dodged the bullet. Put on that favorite pair of shoes or thing you like most in the world and saunter down the street. Feel the sun on your face. Smile.

Maybe after all the love and joy, we gonna disappear

Ku rahsiakan segala asalkan kau bahagia sebenarnya.

                                                                                   - Siapa Diriku, Amylea feat Nadia Aqilah-

All I ever asked during our lullaby night

He got me all bruised
All over my body
ache and exhausted

I asked him to do that
during pleasure and skinny heart
he was too fragile
he gave me everything

I intended him to hurt me
i did
i took the risk
he was reluctant
but he obeyed 

all i ever wanted
were rough and thick
and as a gentleman
you gave me every single desire

That Arctic Monkey song
replayed
and you were
all I ever loved with all my lung. 

A path to be less virgin

Malam yang seriau manja. Aku gigih menuju ke kondominium tempatnya beradu. Angin memukul aku hingga kedinginan. Aku tidak betah duduk berdiam diri. Perutku menjadi memulas dan tekakku loya.

Aku lihat dia jalan berlenggang. Punggungnya memanggil - manggil aku. Bukan tujuan sebenar merenung punggungnya, cuma sekadar hiburan. Aku yakin aku sudah bersedia. Aku keluar dari kereta. Berlari menujunya. Dia pantas menoleh kebelakang dengan riak wajah kaget. Lekas - lekas aku menangkap tubuhnya dan menarik tangannya. Dia jadi bingung. Dia cuba menahan namun aku lekas - lekas meniup wajahnya dengan kata - kata mantera. Biar dia akur menurut. 

Dia duduk diam di sebelah aku. Matanya memandang ke luar. Dia tahu jalan ini. Aku tahu dia separa rela kerana sepanjang perjalanan tidak sekali pun dia terjerit - jerit menyuruh aku berhenti. Aku tahu dia marah. Rasa tertipu. Namun aku gembira. 

Matanya memandang aku serius. Dia tahu ini akan terjadi. Dia yakin dan dia membenarkan. Kerana hatiku dan hatinya sama - sama rindu. Kami tidak tidur langsung. Aku melihat setiap lekuk dan tanda di tubuhnya. Setiap kerutan di dahi, kulitnya yang mula kering di leher dan wajahnya yang sudah melebar. Dia mengusap bibirku dan membelai pipiku. Aku tahu kami tidak memerlukan kata - kata. 

Dia memandu keretaku keesokkannya. Satu malam di dalam bilik serba putih di daerah terpencil tidak membuat kami menyatukan apa yang perlu. Cukup sekadar mengingati memori. Aku menyalami dia dan mencium tangannya persis menyalami orang tua. Dia mengucup jemariku dan mengelus rambutku. 

"You know that we are meant to be friends. I won't ask more," dia bilang saat keluar dari perut kereta.

Aku angguk diam - diam.

Langkahnya yang lesu aku iringi dengan ketapan kuat di bawah bibir.

Malam itu, sama juga dengan malam - malam sebelumnya selepas kami berpisah. 

Step to die in humiliation but not dangerous

He died
in the middle of my existence.

And he's not begging
to live after my demolition.

Top 23 Movies

I'm trying to become normal. To post something more realistic and, well normal. Since this is my 23rd year of living in this world like 'dunia yang fana ini', I'm gonna list top 23 of everything. Not 10, 15 or 25. It's top 23. 

First is top 23 of my favourite movies or dramas . Pardon me if my list is not interesting. I'm just a pre-adult (do we have this term anyway?).

1. 3 Idiots - Admit it. We all love how Aamir Khan became very genius and generous.All is well. 

2. The Reader - Untold love story.

3. Miracle in Cell No.7 - Oh, too many tissues and tears to handle.

4. Hantu Kak Limah Balik Rumah - Don't know why. I'm not a big fan of malay comedy movie. But this one is a movie with honest comedy.

5. Mukhsin - We does not need big car or big house in order to achieve happiness. Honesty and love were the most important.

6. Perfume The Story of Murderer - This kinda creepy, isn't?

7. My Girl - What? Korean drama feeds me with their cuteness and sweet love story.

8. Gol & Gincu - Recommended for girls with broken heart. You will find courage and also yourself.

9. KAMI The Movie - Some part of their life might be related to me.

10. A Walk to Remember - Hye Landon. You can take me away.

11. Barfi - Bollywood is a must in this list. Cinta sampai mati kata kau dalam cerita ni.

12. Mann - Enjoy the innocent of Manisha Koirala without heavy makeup. All of their song are hits and evergreen.

13. Baadshah - Who did not love Shah Rukh Khan, bae?

14. Gossip Girl - I dream to marry Chuck Bass. 

15. Desperate Housewives - Conflicts grows but we grow tougher.

16. Shrek 1-4 - True love baby. True love.

17. Laskar Pelangi - Don't ever give up in knowledge. Well, the novel series much more touching. 

18. Initial D - The movie consists of chinese hero that I adore. Jay Chou, Edison, and Jordan. Oh, Jay Chou is so cool!

19. Step Up - I love to dance.

20. Fame - Same reason as above.

21. Taare Zameen Par - Another beautiful issue by Aamir Khan.

22. 1 Litre of Tears - Guys, more than 1 litre you would prepare.

23. Ada Apa Dengan Cinta - Cinta hanyalah cinta. Hidup dan mati untukmu. Mungkinkah semua tanya kau yang jawab.

This may be average, but they were all beautiful in their way. 

I thought we had everything, but seems like we lost everything

"Apa khabar disana
ku di sini baik sahaja"

Khabar aku - Kamelia Syermain

Oh my God
I lie
I drank this Wonda coffee
and it tasted like just brewed
it's the tagline anyway

And we called each other people who embrace 
but i hug you more than I should
which is I shouldn't have done it at the first place

The summer and winter
seems hate me
that they leave me alone
without any thought and feeling


And you are gone.

Le Jojo

What if the point of not inviting me inside you heart again is just an excuse?

To save our souls 

To re-invited the passion and love

But what if the truth is

you do not care anymore?

Setelah

Mudahnya hari - hari yang telah berlari
yang tidak peduli akan rasa pedih dan sembap wajah
kita masih diam - diam bertanya
akan segala alur dan tulisan yang terang - terangan
hanya untuk kita

ini bukan ratapan agung yang kau hingarkan
ada saja kita bisa ketemu
pada masa yang telah dibentangkan
di hadapan kita yang ralit menjengah awan
dan aku hanya ingin tersenyum
menahan gelora waktu hening itu.

Seeking. Not you.

seeking for the new colour and beautiful brightness in me.

And I don't want it to relate with you anymore.

Although I am betraying myself.

But I have to.

Le Confession

#961

"I miss him so much. I wish he was with me. Not at this moment in this room, but at this moment in my life. I wish he was someone i could call up, or even text to say "Hey" or "I'm having a bad day" and he would be the one who cared, who listened, who spoke to me whenever i needed someone. I wish his hand was the one i held when i walked out in public. I wish he was the one i saw before i fell asleep at night and he was the last i kissed good night, yet, be the first one to wish me good morning and wake me up with a kiss on the forehead. I wished he missed me like how i miss him right now. I wish he thought of me like how i think of him almost every single day. I wish things didn't have to end the way it did 8 months ago. I wish him wanting me back in his life like how i am secretly wanting him back in mine. Not knowing why something had to end is the worst thing and the hardest thing to get over because you will never have something as a closure. I wonder every single day if he feels the same. I wonder how can he not even want to know how am i doing? How can he just turn and walk away when he sees me from afar when neither him or me did anything wrong? Sometimes, i tell myself that he does miss me. I may be living in my own bubble, world, whatever. But thinking as such, makes me happy and smile, even if it was just a few seconds smile. I miss you and i hope so badly that i could let you know and ask you if you ever missed me or even thought about me...

Also, I hope you read this and know that I am talking about you. This is for you, and i meant every single word i said. Not just here, but whatever i said during the whole 1 and a half years we were together. I wish you meant what you said as well."

the same feeling.I do not know who confess this but you can read it through University of Malaya confessions

Musim aneh

Anehnya

setelah dua musim yang panjang
aku masih mampu meratap tangis
kehilangan yang menyiksa segala deria wanitaku

anehnya

kau kadang - kadang muncul mendendang irama suka - suka
namun kau lebih kerap
hilang dan dingin

Be Close - Entry from Drawkcab

'Relaku menunggumu seribu tahun lama lagi, tapi benarkah hidup aku kan selama ini.'

When you're gone, I died a little bit inside.

I miss him almost every night. I think about him a lot when I messed up, when I'm alone and feeling sad. It's like a habit, like drinking coffee in the morning. I stare at the only picture of him that I left as a reminder so I won't forget his face.

Have you ever falling so hard and doesn't want to stand up from the fall. You want to be at the same spot. Even the person you are falling for, left you, alone. At some point, there will always come one or two person who give their hands, want to help you back up on your feet. But you know the feeling will not be the same. So you afraid to hold them and just sit there helplessly.

But when you do, people let you down. It is not worth the effort. It's hard enough for you to get back up and people just easily ignoring and shut you down. It sucks to be in this position. Life seems unfair and you started to give up in trusting people. You started to think that you will not find the one true person who will help you all through. You will never be the same.

I am not yet moving on. I miss you so much, it's getting tired. There's a moment, I lied to myself, said that you never left. You just there in the distance somewhere, working so hard and damn busy, doesn't have the time to talk to me but deep down I know you always think of me like I do everyday and you will come back someday. It's been almost three years now, I'm staying here knowing that you're not gonna come back again. But why am I still waiting? Why you're so far away?

It'll be lot easier if you're here with me, now.

People are mean to me. I need you.

Please, promise you'll sit close next to me every second.

Watch over me in the distance, somewhere.

p/s - you can find this entry at http://redonkulousome.blogspot.com/2014/05/be-close.html

Time, you are a liar

I can't tame heart
can't convince time to remember me

goodbye
but it's hurt
denial
we live in that

roses and peanut butter
sweet smile and knife
a murderer i am
to myself

time 
stop cheating me
you said you will heal me
but there's nothing change
not even emotion
static.

Untuk Uranus, Diam - Diam.

Surat - surat telah menjadi mual
membebankan segala usang yang lama duduk diam
aku tidak ingin kau pulang
namun aku cukup tamak
tidak merelakan kau pergi

filosofi erat menadah telinganya
dendam yang dikumam - kumam
biar meliar tanpa nesan
apa berat tanggungan masih mahu menjadi alasan
ini bukan yang telah kita suarakan

sejenak
makin hilang
digerak gempur
bersama angin jahanam
kakinya telah digam gajah
menanti pembalasan apa harus ditimpa

aku
aku telah menolak
ya, menolak dengan wajah sepi
apa benar dusta
dan kelam kelibut menyorok kita
dengan tenang yang terbang menyusup
mengikuti tangisan pedih yang pelan - pelan mengerekot membentuk bola.

Kesal Tam Tam

Dia telah kesal bercumbu denganku, ibu
katanya ini satu kesilapan yang hina
dan dia tidak pernah terfikir
kalau cumbuannya adalah segala - galanya

aku sendiri telah mencipta satu susuk baru imaginasi
untuk mendengar segala muzik tangisanku
kerna yang nyata
tidak akan pernah mendengar dan mengasihani

Tam Tam, malam sendu. Kita bilang berapa bilangan jahitan di hati kita yang walang.

Aku hanya telah menjadi sa-orang yang hilang.

The Story of Z

Dear Tam Tam,

Cerita kita tidak mati mudah
tidak juga berakhir indah.

Since You're Here, Since You've Been Gone

Cerita awalnya tidak menarik. Lagian, aku sudah lupa.

 Masih meneruskan tradisi sa-orang pelajar Alam Sekitar. Bergelumang dengan segala macam kotoran, bau hanyir sampah, kekalutan presentation hingga aku banyak terlupa akan perkara remeh yang dahulu sering aku tawakan. Dengan penyakit yang tidak beransur hilang, aku perlahan - lahan menjadi usang namun masih bernyawa. Roh aku telah lama menerawang namun jasad enggan tumbang. Bangun pagi dengan semangat membara, tidur malam dengan sekaan pada air mata yang degil tidak mahu terbang.

Semester ini bermula dengan konflik. Namun kita percaya ia tiba bukan saja - saja. Telah aku keluar dari kepompong selesa. Untuk masa depan mereka yang memerlukan. 

Ini kerja satu sem. Sebenarnya sem lepas pun buat juga. Geledah tong sampah untuk data. 

Terima kasih Izzah atas segala tunjuk ajar. Semoga lepas grad nanti awak dapat kerja dan cepat-cepat kahwin. dah - dah la tu bertunang.

Berat aku telah naik mendadak sebanyak 4 kilogram. Zarith bilang ini semua kesan ubat yang aku consume untuk meredakan kesakitan setiap hari. Entahlah. Semenjak jerebu tempoh hari, aku telah menderita sakit teruk. Namun aku percaya, pasti ada sesuatu di sebalik pedih luka. 

Kehidupan yang plain bored kadang - kadang diganggu hingar bingar mereka yang entah apa -apa. Aku telah menulis pelbagai sajak dan cerpen untuk jiwa dan untuk menerima buku percuma. Zine dan buku telah memberi belas kasihan pada aku dengan memuatkan sedikit - sedikit cerita melankolik yang aku hantar. 

Pada hari aku dan dia sepatutnya menjadi 5 tahun, aku telah bertemunya. namun aku lupa langsung tentang istimewanya hari itu. tujuan aku ke sana hanyalah untuk menemani seorang rakan bertemu kekasihnya dan aku terjebak bertemu dia. Kami makan besar. Terima kasih atas ikan masak asam pedas yang lazat itu. Saat aku di dalam KTM ingin pulang, aku bernyanyi kecil dan aku tiba - tiba teringat tentang hari itu. aku beristighfar dan aku tahu dia sebenarnya tidak lupa. Aku telah menjadi seorang pelupa tegar dan semenjak itu, kami tidak berjumpa lagi.

Selamat juga menjadi 22 tahun pada semester ini. untuk aku dan rakan - rakan. 

Gadis - gadis November. Betapa masa telah bergerak pantas dan menjadikan kita seperti pelarian yang pelan - pelan bakal mati sama ada dalam diam mahupun hingar. 

Ada sebak dalam segala coretan kata untukku, untukmu. Ada air mata berlinang di mata Profesor saat kita mengabadikan memori yang entah bila akan berulang dan menjadi gembira kembali.

Saat muda. Ingat saat ini sayang. tahun 2013. 

Kiranya tahun ini juga menjadi satu medan mencabar diri. Boria dan tarian kreatif sekaligus.

Tarian kreatif. Yes, I do miss this routine.

Boria. It's my first love in dance art and it make me feel happy to see a lot of colour in me.

Aku pasti rindu. Namun 2014 pasti begitu banyak perkara menarik. 

Pesanan :
Sayang, dalam helaian rambut dan asap rokok yang mencemarkan aku telah hadir untukmu. Akhir hari 2013 juga aku telah melamar. namun jawapan, sebenarnya tiada jawapan. Aku agak itu mengatakan tidak pada semua pertanyaan. Aku telah menjadi serius dalam semua tanda tanya itu dan kau telah hadir dengan beku. Tanpa riak wajah dan roman muka yang bisa aku tafsirkan. 

2014 - Kau sebenarnya tahu. Kau sebenarnya sudah duga. Kau sebenarnya cinta yang kekal yang telah meluncur jatuh dari hujung jari dan terhempas hingga terluka kaki dan hati. Juga tiada tertinggal satu pun habuk atau debu.

Jika ada momen lain, berhentilah mengucup pada momen ini. kau sendiri tahu ia tidak akan kembali mendakap kita sewenangnya. Lagi.

Sincerely Yours,

Zafirah Bahram.