Maybe after all the love and joy, we gonna disappear

Ku rahsiakan segala asalkan kau bahagia sebenarnya.

                                                                                   - Siapa Diriku, Amylea feat Nadia Aqilah-

All I ever asked during our lullaby night

He got me all bruised
All over my body
ache and exhausted

I asked him to do that
during pleasure and skinny heart
he was too fragile
he gave me everything

I intended him to hurt me
i did
i took the risk
he was reluctant
but he obeyed 

all i ever wanted
were rough and thick
and as a gentleman
you gave me every single desire

That Arctic Monkey song
replayed
and you were
all I ever loved with all my lung. 

A path to be less virgin

Malam yang seriau manja. Aku gigih menuju ke kondominium tempatnya beradu. Angin memukul aku hingga kedinginan. Aku tidak betah duduk berdiam diri. Perutku menjadi memulas dan tekakku loya.

Aku lihat dia jalan berlenggang. Punggungnya memanggil - manggil aku. Bukan tujuan sebenar merenung punggungnya, cuma sekadar hiburan. Aku yakin aku sudah bersedia. Aku keluar dari kereta. Berlari menujunya. Dia pantas menoleh kebelakang dengan riak wajah kaget. Lekas - lekas aku menangkap tubuhnya dan menarik tangannya. Dia jadi bingung. Dia cuba menahan namun aku lekas - lekas meniup wajahnya dengan kata - kata mantera. Biar dia akur menurut. 

Dia duduk diam di sebelah aku. Matanya memandang ke luar. Dia tahu jalan ini. Aku tahu dia separa rela kerana sepanjang perjalanan tidak sekali pun dia terjerit - jerit menyuruh aku berhenti. Aku tahu dia marah. Rasa tertipu. Namun aku gembira. 

Matanya memandang aku serius. Dia tahu ini akan terjadi. Dia yakin dan dia membenarkan. Kerana hatiku dan hatinya sama - sama rindu. Kami tidak tidur langsung. Aku melihat setiap lekuk dan tanda di tubuhnya. Setiap kerutan di dahi, kulitnya yang mula kering di leher dan wajahnya yang sudah melebar. Dia mengusap bibirku dan membelai pipiku. Aku tahu kami tidak memerlukan kata - kata. 

Dia memandu keretaku keesokkannya. Satu malam di dalam bilik serba putih di daerah terpencil tidak membuat kami menyatukan apa yang perlu. Cukup sekadar mengingati memori. Aku menyalami dia dan mencium tangannya persis menyalami orang tua. Dia mengucup jemariku dan mengelus rambutku. 

"You know that we are meant to be friends. I won't ask more," dia bilang saat keluar dari perut kereta.

Aku angguk diam - diam.

Langkahnya yang lesu aku iringi dengan ketapan kuat di bawah bibir.

Malam itu, sama juga dengan malam - malam sebelumnya selepas kami berpisah. 

Step to die in humiliation but not dangerous

He died
in the middle of my existence.

And he's not begging
to live after my demolition.

Top 23 Movies

I'm trying to become normal. To post something more realistic and, well normal. Since this is my 23rd year of living in this world like 'dunia yang fana ini', I'm gonna list top 23 of everything. Not 10, 15 or 25. It's top 23. 

First is top 23 of my favourite movies or dramas . Pardon me if my list is not interesting. I'm just a pre-adult (do we have this term anyway?).

1. 3 Idiots - Admit it. We all love how Aamir Khan became very genius and generous.All is well. 

2. The Reader - Untold love story.

3. Miracle in Cell No.7 - Oh, too many tissues and tears to handle.

4. Hantu Kak Limah Balik Rumah - Don't know why. I'm not a big fan of malay comedy movie. But this one is a movie with honest comedy.

5. Mukhsin - We does not need big car or big house in order to achieve happiness. Honesty and love were the most important.

6. Perfume The Story of Murderer - This kinda creepy, isn't?

7. My Girl - What? Korean drama feeds me with their cuteness and sweet love story.

8. Gol & Gincu - Recommended for girls with broken heart. You will find courage and also yourself.

9. KAMI The Movie - Some part of their life might be related to me.

10. A Walk to Remember - Hye Landon. You can take me away.

11. Barfi - Bollywood is a must in this list. Cinta sampai mati kata kau dalam cerita ni.

12. Mann - Enjoy the innocent of Manisha Koirala without heavy makeup. All of their song are hits and evergreen.

13. Baadshah - Who did not love Shah Rukh Khan, bae?

14. Gossip Girl - I dream to marry Chuck Bass. 

15. Desperate Housewives - Conflicts grows but we grow tougher.

16. Shrek 1-4 - True love baby. True love.

17. Laskar Pelangi - Don't ever give up in knowledge. Well, the novel series much more touching. 

18. Initial D - The movie consists of chinese hero that I adore. Jay Chou, Edison, and Jordan. Oh, Jay Chou is so cool!

19. Step Up - I love to dance.

20. Fame - Same reason as above.

21. Taare Zameen Par - Another beautiful issue by Aamir Khan.

22. 1 Litre of Tears - Guys, more than 1 litre you would prepare.

23. Ada Apa Dengan Cinta - Cinta hanyalah cinta. Hidup dan mati untukmu. Mungkinkah semua tanya kau yang jawab.

This may be average, but they were all beautiful in their way. 

I thought we had everything, but seems like we lost everything

"Apa khabar disana
ku di sini baik sahaja"

Khabar aku - Kamelia Syermain

Oh my God
I lie
I drank this Wonda coffee
and it tasted like just brewed
it's the tagline anyway

And we called each other people who embrace 
but i hug you more than I should
which is I shouldn't have done it at the first place

The summer and winter
seems hate me
that they leave me alone
without any thought and feeling


And you are gone.

Le Jojo

What if the point of not inviting me inside you heart again is just an excuse?

To save our souls 

To re-invited the passion and love

But what if the truth is

you do not care anymore?

Setelah

Mudahnya hari - hari yang telah berlari
yang tidak peduli akan rasa pedih dan sembap wajah
kita masih diam - diam bertanya
akan segala alur dan tulisan yang terang - terangan
hanya untuk kita

ini bukan ratapan agung yang kau hingarkan
ada saja kita bisa ketemu
pada masa yang telah dibentangkan
di hadapan kita yang ralit menjengah awan
dan aku hanya ingin tersenyum
menahan gelora waktu hening itu.

Seeking. Not you.

seeking for the new colour and beautiful brightness in me.

And I don't want it to relate with you anymore.

Although I am betraying myself.

But I have to.

Le Confession

#961

"I miss him so much. I wish he was with me. Not at this moment in this room, but at this moment in my life. I wish he was someone i could call up, or even text to say "Hey" or "I'm having a bad day" and he would be the one who cared, who listened, who spoke to me whenever i needed someone. I wish his hand was the one i held when i walked out in public. I wish he was the one i saw before i fell asleep at night and he was the last i kissed good night, yet, be the first one to wish me good morning and wake me up with a kiss on the forehead. I wished he missed me like how i miss him right now. I wish he thought of me like how i think of him almost every single day. I wish things didn't have to end the way it did 8 months ago. I wish him wanting me back in his life like how i am secretly wanting him back in mine. Not knowing why something had to end is the worst thing and the hardest thing to get over because you will never have something as a closure. I wonder every single day if he feels the same. I wonder how can he not even want to know how am i doing? How can he just turn and walk away when he sees me from afar when neither him or me did anything wrong? Sometimes, i tell myself that he does miss me. I may be living in my own bubble, world, whatever. But thinking as such, makes me happy and smile, even if it was just a few seconds smile. I miss you and i hope so badly that i could let you know and ask you if you ever missed me or even thought about me...

Also, I hope you read this and know that I am talking about you. This is for you, and i meant every single word i said. Not just here, but whatever i said during the whole 1 and a half years we were together. I wish you meant what you said as well."

the same feeling.I do not know who confess this but you can read it through University of Malaya confessions

Musim aneh

Anehnya

setelah dua musim yang panjang
aku masih mampu meratap tangis
kehilangan yang menyiksa segala deria wanitaku

anehnya

kau kadang - kadang muncul mendendang irama suka - suka
namun kau lebih kerap
hilang dan dingin